Genological Tracing and DNA Database Privacy

This is an accurate summary of some factual background, accompanied by the rhetoric of danger. This too is not inaccurate. To improve the draft is to go beyond the announcement of danger to some purpose, to give the reader some remedies to consider or actions to take.

You do not point out the particular forms of externality that result for the relatives of those who decide to give away genetic information. One of my first cousins compromised the genetic privacy of his lineage for generations out of curiosity about possible lost relatives. But this might be a predicate for regulatory intervention, as the concept of "family privacy," to break down the "my genes are my property" conception.

Overall, then, you want to sharply curtail the background material that is known to all, and to concentrate on the new ideas you can bring to bear.