The draft holds together well, and is informative. I think it would be stronger if it bore the courage of its convictions more fully. It is not difficult to show that ensuring both ballot privacy and electoral integrity without voter-verifiable paper ballots is very difficult. Unless some compromises are made in one direction or the other, it's impossible. Paper ballots filled in by voters voting in person or by mail, on the other hand, achieve both goals admirably. Your argument can therefore be both simpler and more forceful than it is in the present draft. Working out the first part is not difficult given the state of the literature on the subject.

You might also be interested in the view of the relation between digital voting technology and voting rights that Pam Karlan and I took, in the late Stone Age in the Soul of the New Political Machine piece in 2000.