Blockchain and Data Privacy Law

The best way to improve the draft would be to incorporate a better understanding of the technology you are writing about. You could start with a talk given by Christopher Ferris of IBM at the 2016 Software Freedom Law Center conference here at the law school. Chris explains pretty well there that distributed strongly authenticated ledgers, public and private, are a data storage paradigm—like the relational databases that have dominated enterprise computing for a generation,—with different and attractive properties in the contemporary computing context. Cryptocurrency is neither the most important nor a characteristic use of blockchain storage, which is why 99% of what you read about "blockchain" s nonsense.

A better grounding in the tech would probably lead you to reconsider some of the central paragraphs in this draft. If the purpose of the storage paradigm is to enable authenticated sharing of data that is intended to be shared in a distributed fashion—as distributed version control has enabled a revolution in software development practices, to take another example—then the privacy issues you are identifying here are largely immaterial. There are other questions that might well reward inquiry, but let's see where you want to take the draft when you know more about the primary subject.