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EthanSingerSecondEssay 6 - 19 May 2021 - Main.EthanSinger
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| | | Psychological Conflict | |
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< | The pattern of fogginess when thinking about what I want in the future can be seen with an even simpler thought exercise. For instance, if asked to pick what meal I’d like to eat for dinner in precisely 3 weeks, it is difficult to imagine in a similar way. In one sense it seems easy to just pick a meal I like and move on, but in another sense, it feels daunting. At first, I thought that this may have to do with feeling constrained. However, just as imagining what I’d like to be doing 10 years future in the future is a temporary mental commitment, so is imagining the food I would like to eat in the future. Imagining this does not force me to commit and is not actually constraining. Instead, it is difficult because different personality states want different things. Making a choice about the future thus requires making a choice about a personality state in the future, which involves resolving a current conflict between states. When it comes to imagining my future self, one state cares deeply about the meaning of the work I am doing (and believes that representing indigent people accused of crimes would be quite meaningful), and another state cares more about the experience of making a lot of money and the meaning I can find outside of work. Additionally, one state is more willing to take risks than other states. Eventually, these states will reconcile, but the thought of reconciling them immediately with a decision about my future is intimidating, and refusing to reconcile them with a state of fog is the more immediately comfortable approach. | >
> | The pattern of fogginess when thinking about what I want in the future can be seen with an even simpler thought exercise. For instance, if asked to pick what meal I’d like to eat for dinner in precisely 3 weeks, I feel a similar sense of fogginess. In one sense it seems easy to just pick a meal I like and move on, but in another sense, it feels daunting. At first, I thought that this may have to do with feeling constrained. However, just as imagining what I’d like to be doing 10 years future in the future is a temporary mental commitment, so is imagining the food I would like to eat in the future. Imagining this does not force me to commit and is not actually constraining. Instead, it is difficult because different personality states want different things. Making a choice about the future thus requires making a choice about a personality state in the future, which involves resolving a current conflict between states. When it comes to imagining my future self, one state cares deeply about the meaning of the work I am doing (and believes that representing indigent people accused of crimes would be quite meaningful), and another state cares more about the experience of making a lot of money and the meaning I can find outside of work. Additionally, one state is more willing to take risks than other states. Eventually, these states will reconcile, but the thought of reconciling them immediately with a decision about my future is intimidating, and refusing to reconcile them with a state of fog is the more immediately comfortable approach. | | |
Inactive Mental States | | | One option this examination has revealed for me is that I could just push past the conflict and pick something that I know part of me wants to do. Realizing that there are separate states shows that there are futures that individual parts of me desire. Part of me thinks I would enjoy being a public defender after school and for the foreseeable future. Even though another part of me has concerns about this, I could push back these concerns for the benefit of having something for which I can begin planning. This however, feels problematic. As nice as it would be to have a clear path forward where I feel confident about what I want to do, if I have not actually reconciled my competing states, pretending that I have would only allow me to start planning for something that my eventual more reconciled self will not want to do. | |
<
< | While there are parts of me that are still in conflict, this examination has also helped me realize that there are some things that I have already decided about where I see myself in 10 years. I wish to be living in New York City and I wish to be doing work for individual clients rather than businesses. There is still some reconciling left to do, but as I begin to expand my experiences in and and out of law school, thinking about my future should become easier. For instance, before moving to New York, I was not sure where I saw myself living in 10 years. | >
> | While there are parts of me that are still in conflict, this examination has also helped me realize that there are some things that I have already decided about where I see myself in 10 years. I wish to be living in New York City and I wish to be doing work for individual clients rather than businesses. As I begin to expand my experiences in and and out of law school, thinking about my future should become easier. For instance, before moving to New York, I was not sure where I saw myself living in 10 years. | | | Additionally, I realize the importance of not letting difficulty imagining the future prevent me from doing what interests me now. This summer I am working at a public defenders office, and next school year I’ll be doing a full year criminal defense externship and the Jailhouse Lawyers Manual. Although I still feel conflicted about my future, I trust that along with thought exercises like the one in this essay, doing the activities I find meaningful in the short term will give me the experiences I need for further self reconciliation. |
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EthanSingerSecondEssay 5 - 19 May 2021 - Main.EthanSinger
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< | The Imagination Test – It’s easy if you try, it isn’t hard to do, but I wonder if you can | >
> | An Examination of Imagining the Future | | | -- By EthanSinger - 13 Apr 2021
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< | The Struggle of Imagination – Forcing it | >
> | Introduction | | | | |
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< | One question I have always struggled with during interviews is “Where do you see yourself in X years?” | >
> | When I was younger, I often imagined my future self as a professional baseball player. Sometimes I still do. Primary process thinking, as David Rapaport calls it, comes easy. | | | | |
<
< | The problem is that I did not want to imagine where I would be or would want to be that far in the future. There is something confining about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something daunting about certainty. This is a part of me that makes it difficult to imagine my future, even though there is another part of me that desperately wants to imagine. | >
> | In contrast, it is difficult for me to think about my future self with secondary process thinking. When asked to imagine where I see myself in 10 years, it almost feels as if I’m being asked to recall what I was doing at a random time and day, many weeks ago. I know the answer is there somewhere, but I primarily feel like I am being hit with a wall of paralyzing fog. | | | | |
>
> | I have two main theories for why I struggle with imagining where I will see myself in 10 years. One theory involves an unconscious desire to avoid psychological conflict. The other theory is similar, and regards Mardi Horowitz’ observations about the role of inactive mental states and how unconscious contemplation of these states can influence behavior. | | | | |
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< | The Simplicity of Imagination – Letting it happen | | | | |
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< | Despite the part of me that makes it difficult to imagine my future, I do imagine. For instance, imagination is why I applied to law school. | >
> | Psychological Conflict | | | | |
<
< | My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I saw the impact that even the most minor criminal offense could have on a person’s life. In addition to the deprivation of liberty in a physical sense, I saw how criminal penalties could also impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw that an arrest sometimes could actually be beneficial for some by forcing them to look at their lifestyle and motivate them to change for the better. Having a good support network could be instrumental for this. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defender’s office so that I could help clients overcome their criminal charges and change their life for the better. | >
> | The pattern of fogginess when thinking about what I want in the future can be seen with an even simpler thought exercise. For instance, if asked to pick what meal I’d like to eat for dinner in precisely 3 weeks, it is difficult to imagine in a similar way. In one sense it seems easy to just pick a meal I like and move on, but in another sense, it feels daunting. At first, I thought that this may have to do with feeling constrained. However, just as imagining what I’d like to be doing 10 years future in the future is a temporary mental commitment, so is imagining the food I would like to eat in the future. Imagining this does not force me to commit and is not actually constraining. Instead, it is difficult because different personality states want different things. Making a choice about the future thus requires making a choice about a personality state in the future, which involves resolving a current conflict between states. When it comes to imagining my future self, one state cares deeply about the meaning of the work I am doing (and believes that representing indigent people accused of crimes would be quite meaningful), and another state cares more about the experience of making a lot of money and the meaning I can find outside of work. Additionally, one state is more willing to take risks than other states. Eventually, these states will reconcile, but the thought of reconciling them immediately with a decision about my future is intimidating, and refusing to reconcile them with a state of fog is the more immediately comfortable approach. | | | | |
<
< | My Realities of Imagination | >
> | Inactive Mental States | | | | |
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< | It has been almost two years since I first imagined myself as a public defender, and in terms of picturing my future law practice, it has not progressed quite as I imagined. | >
> | Another theory of why I struggle to imagine where I’ll see myself in 10 years is that it is an unconscious mechanism to avoid a future identity state. Horowitz describes an example of this where a woman, Janice, would preemptively switch into an outwardly cheerful state when she felt herself slipping into a painful mental state characterized by despair (even though inwardly she did not feel cheerful). In my case, there are two memorable instances from my past related to thinking about my future, and both are unpleasant. One involves one of my first interviews back as an undergraduate, where the question I was least prepared for and gave the worst answer to was where I saw myself in X years. The other memory involves a time where in high school, I spent a lot of time imagining myself at a university, and sharing that hope with others, only to be rejected by school. While this is not quite on point with the example of Janice, the fogginess could be an attempt to avoid the gloomy states that resulted from those two memories where I attempted to think realistically about my future, and that may emerge if I attempt the exercise again. | | | | |
<
< | Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better? | >
> | Going Forward | | | | |
<
< | My answers to these questions waver depending on who is answering (at times I have told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I have told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this ambivalence, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that my uncertainty is not only about whether I want to be a public defender, but about what it means if I decide I do not want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. | >
> | One option this examination has revealed for me is that I could just push past the conflict and pick something that I know part of me wants to do. Realizing that there are separate states shows that there are futures that individual parts of me desire. Part of me thinks I would enjoy being a public defender after school and for the foreseeable future. Even though another part of me has concerns about this, I could push back these concerns for the benefit of having something for which I can begin planning. This however, feels problematic. As nice as it would be to have a clear path forward where I feel confident about what I want to do, if I have not actually reconciled my competing states, pretending that I have would only allow me to start planning for something that my eventual more reconciled self will not want to do. | | | | |
>
> | While there are parts of me that are still in conflict, this examination has also helped me realize that there are some things that I have already decided about where I see myself in 10 years. I wish to be living in New York City and I wish to be doing work for individual clients rather than businesses. There is still some reconciling left to do, but as I begin to expand my experiences in and and out of law school, thinking about my future should become easier. For instance, before moving to New York, I was not sure where I saw myself living in 10 years. | | | | |
<
< | Imagining Returning to Law School | >
> | Additionally, I realize the importance of not letting difficulty imagining the future prevent me from doing what interests me now. This summer I am working at a public defenders office, and next school year I’ll be doing a full year criminal defense externship and the Jailhouse Lawyers Manual. Although I still feel conflicted about my future, I trust that along with thought exercises like the one in this essay, doing the activities I find meaningful in the short term will give me the experiences I need for further self reconciliation. | | | | |
<
< | If I applied to law school wanting to become a public defender, and I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, it raises the question of whether I should return to law school.
It is tough to consider seriously the question however, because despite the realistic chance that I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, I have never doubted that I plan on returning to law school. To help in considering the question then, I have tried to understand why it is something I have never doubted.
The simple answer is that overall, I am enjoying law school. I enjoy being challenged like never before, I enjoy the people I am around (even though it is mostly virtual), I am learning and growing, and in the end, I will have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me.
Most importantly though, while I am not certain that I want to be a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school: I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form a public defender, it does not mean I should not return to law school, but that I should remember the importance of imagining.
Imagining Going forward
Since coming to law school, I have tried to expose myself to new experiences to learn more about the world around me. I have met new people, volunteered in activities related to helping others through education, joined a moot court and attended virtual events to hear the perspectives of people that are not my professors or friends.
In addition, I have spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it will help me imagine a practice that meets all my needs.
Instead of answers though, I am now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started law school.
I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty is not satisfying in the interim, I do not believe this part of me is detrimental. On the contrary, this part of me can be beneficial if I can use it in harmony with the part of me that wants to imagine. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, there will be more opportunities for new experiences and new perspectives which will fuel imagination. I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer.
I think the draft would be improved by a clear focus on its subject. But I'm not sure on three readings what the subject is. I'm pretty sure you don't mean to use 1,000 words to explain why it's okay not to be sure whether you want to be a public defender. Yet more words seem to be about that than anything else. I don't think the subject is the high reported level of anxiety when asked to imagine your life ten years out. That level of anxiety and sense of constraint from being asked to imagine one thing, a temporary mental commitment, is relatively high and is worthy of careful examination, but you don't examine it. Actual discussion of how to build your law school program if you might (but also might not) want to be a pubic defender is absent, though it would be valuable and natural to consider in this context. You have several good choices, but you should pick one, anxiety notwithstanding.
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EthanSingerSecondEssay 4 - 02 May 2021 - Main.EbenMoglen
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| | | I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty is not satisfying in the interim, I do not believe this part of me is detrimental. On the contrary, this part of me can be beneficial if I can use it in harmony with the part of me that wants to imagine. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, there will be more opportunities for new experiences and new perspectives which will fuel imagination. I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer.
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I think the draft would be improved by a clear focus on its subject. But I'm not sure on three readings what the subject is. I'm pretty sure you don't mean to use 1,000 words to explain why it's okay not to be sure whether you want to be a public defender. Yet more words seem to be about that than anything else. I don't think the subject is the high reported level of anxiety when asked to imagine your life ten years out. That level of anxiety and sense of constraint from being asked to imagine one thing, a temporary mental commitment, is relatively high and is worthy of careful examination, but you don't examine it. Actual discussion of how to build your law school program if you might (but also might not) want to be a pubic defender is absent, though it would be valuable and natural to consider in this context. You have several good choices, but you should pick one, anxiety notwithstanding.
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EthanSingerSecondEssay 3 - 14 Apr 2021 - Main.EthanSinger
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| | | Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better? | |
<
< | My answers to these questions waver depending on who is answering (at times I have told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I have told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this ambivalence, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that my uncertainty is not just about whether I want to be a public defender, but about what it means if I decide I do not want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. | >
> | My answers to these questions waver depending on who is answering (at times I have told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I have told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this ambivalence, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that my uncertainty is not only about whether I want to be a public defender, but about what it means if I decide I do not want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. | | |
Imagining Returning to Law School | | | The simple answer is that overall, I am enjoying law school. I enjoy being challenged like never before, I enjoy the people I am around (even though it is mostly virtual), I am learning and growing, and in the end, I will have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me. | |
<
< | Most importantly though, while I am not certain that I want to be a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school: I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form a public defender, it does not mean I should not return to law school, but just that I should remember the importance of imagining. | >
> | Most importantly though, while I am not certain that I want to be a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school: I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form a public defender, it does not mean I should not return to law school, but that I should remember the importance of imagining. | | | |
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EthanSingerSecondEssay 2 - 14 Apr 2021 - Main.EthanSinger
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| | | The Struggle of Imagination – Forcing it | |
<
< | One of the questions I’ve always struggled with the most during interviews is “Where do you see yourself in X years?” | >
> | One question I have always struggled with during interviews is “Where do you see yourself in X years?”
The problem is that I did not want to imagine where I would be or would want to be that far in the future. There is something confining about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something daunting about certainty. This is a part of me that makes it difficult to imagine my future, even though there is another part of me that desperately wants to imagine. | | | | |
<
< | While preparing for the interviews I could never imagine where I would be in X years because I didn’t want to imagine where I would be or even wanted to be in X years. After some reflection, it seems to have to do with the idea that there’s something scary about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something scary about certainty. It’s confining. Even after reflecting on this, I realize that still, not all of me wants to imagine my future. | | | The Simplicity of Imagination – Letting it happen | |
<
< | Yet, I do imagine. For instance, imagination is why I applied to law school. | >
> | Despite the part of me that makes it difficult to imagine my future, I do imagine. For instance, imagination is why I applied to law school.
My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I saw the impact that even the most minor criminal offense could have on a person’s life. In addition to the deprivation of liberty in a physical sense, I saw how criminal penalties could also impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw that an arrest sometimes could actually be beneficial for some by forcing them to look at their lifestyle and motivate them to change for the better. Having a good support network could be instrumental for this. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defender’s office so that I could help clients overcome their criminal charges and change their life for the better. | | | | |
<
< | My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I got to see the impact that even the most minor criminal penalties could have on a persons life. In addition to the diminishment of physical liberties from confinement, I saw how criminal penalties could impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw how for some, with the right support network, the hardships from criminal penalties could actually be a wakeup call that could provide motivation for some people to change their life for the better. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defenders office and helping people facing criminal charges change their life for the better. | | | My Realities of Imagination | |
<
< | It’s been almost two year since I first started imagining myself as a public defender, and in terms of picturing my future law practice, it hasn’t progressed quite as I imagined. | >
> | It has been almost two years since I first imagined myself as a public defender, and in terms of picturing my future law practice, it has not progressed quite as I imagined. | | | | |
<
< | Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have arisen or become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better? | >
> | Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better?
My answers to these questions waver depending on who is answering (at times I have told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I have told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this ambivalence, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that my uncertainty is not just about whether I want to be a public defender, but about what it means if I decide I do not want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. | | | | |
<
< | My answers to these questions depend on who is answering (at times I’ve told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I’ve told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this conflict, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that the conflict isn’t just about whether I want to be a public defender or not, but about what it means if I decide I don’t want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. | | | Imagining Returning to Law School
If I applied to law school wanting to become a public defender, and I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, it raises the question of whether I should return to law school. | |
<
< | It’s tough to seriously consider the question however, because despite the realistic chance that I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, I’ve never doubted that I plan on returning to law school. To help in considering the question then, I’ve tried to understand why it’s something I’ve never doubted. | >
> | It is tough to consider seriously the question however, because despite the realistic chance that I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, I have never doubted that I plan on returning to law school. To help in considering the question then, I have tried to understand why it is something I have never doubted.
The simple answer is that overall, I am enjoying law school. I enjoy being challenged like never before, I enjoy the people I am around (even though it is mostly virtual), I am learning and growing, and in the end, I will have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me. | | | | |
<
< | The simple answer is that overall, I’m enjoying law school. I’m being challenged like I’ve never been challenged before, I enjoy the people I’m around (even though it’s mostly virtual), I’m learning, I’m growing, and in the end, I’ll have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me. | >
> | Most importantly though, while I am not certain that I want to be a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school: I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form a public defender, it does not mean I should not return to law school, but just that I should remember the importance of imagining. | | | | |
<
< | Most importantly though, while there’s uncertainty in me becoming a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form of a public defender, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t return to law school, but just that I should remember the importance of imagining. | | |
Imagining Going forward | |
<
< | As much as I recognize the importance of imagining, part of me does not want to imagine my future (as mentioned earlier). However, this doesn’t mean I can’t imagine my future. I’ve done it before. And though the part of me that doesn’t want to imagine my future won’t recognize that since I’ve imagined my future before and wasn’t confined, it may mean that imagining with certainty isn’t actually confining, that doesn’t mean this part of me is detrimental in me imagining my future. | >
> | Since coming to law school, I have tried to expose myself to new experiences to learn more about the world around me. I have met new people, volunteered in activities related to helping others through education, joined a moot court and attended virtual events to hear the perspectives of people that are not my professors or friends.
In addition, I have spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it will help me imagine a practice that meets all my needs.
Instead of answers though, I am now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started law school.
I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty is not satisfying in the interim, I do not believe this part of me is detrimental. On the contrary, this part of me can be beneficial if I can use it in harmony with the part of me that wants to imagine. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, there will be more opportunities for new experiences and new perspectives which will fuel imagination. I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer. | | | | |
<
< | I’ve spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it would help me imagine a practice that met all my needs. Instead of answers though, I’m now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started. I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty isn’t satisfying in the interim, it’s useful in that it provides complexities for me to answer to when I do imagine my future. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, and opportunities for new perspectives and experiences increase and provide fuel for my imagination, I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer. | | |
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EthanSingerSecondEssay 1 - 13 Apr 2021 - Main.EthanSinger
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The Imagination Test – It’s easy if you try, it isn’t hard to do, but I wonder if you can
-- By EthanSinger - 13 Apr 2021
The Struggle of Imagination – Forcing it
One of the questions I’ve always struggled with the most during interviews is “Where do you see yourself in X years?”
While preparing for the interviews I could never imagine where I would be in X years because I didn’t want to imagine where I would be or even wanted to be in X years. After some reflection, it seems to have to do with the idea that there’s something scary about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something scary about certainty. It’s confining. Even after reflecting on this, I realize that still, not all of me wants to imagine my future.
The Simplicity of Imagination – Letting it happen
Yet, I do imagine. For instance, imagination is why I applied to law school.
My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I got to see the impact that even the most minor criminal penalties could have on a persons life. In addition to the diminishment of physical liberties from confinement, I saw how criminal penalties could impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw how for some, with the right support network, the hardships from criminal penalties could actually be a wakeup call that could provide motivation for some people to change their life for the better. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defenders office and helping people facing criminal charges change their life for the better.
My Realities of Imagination
It’s been almost two year since I first started imagining myself as a public defender, and in terms of picturing my future law practice, it hasn’t progressed quite as I imagined.
Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have arisen or become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better?
My answers to these questions depend on who is answering (at times I’ve told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I’ve told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this conflict, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that the conflict isn’t just about whether I want to be a public defender or not, but about what it means if I decide I don’t want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school.
Imagining Returning to Law School
If I applied to law school wanting to become a public defender, and I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, it raises the question of whether I should return to law school.
It’s tough to seriously consider the question however, because despite the realistic chance that I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, I’ve never doubted that I plan on returning to law school. To help in considering the question then, I’ve tried to understand why it’s something I’ve never doubted.
The simple answer is that overall, I’m enjoying law school. I’m being challenged like I’ve never been challenged before, I enjoy the people I’m around (even though it’s mostly virtual), I’m learning, I’m growing, and in the end, I’ll have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me.
Most importantly though, while there’s uncertainty in me becoming a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form of a public defender, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t return to law school, but just that I should remember the importance of imagining.
Imagining Going forward
As much as I recognize the importance of imagining, part of me does not want to imagine my future (as mentioned earlier). However, this doesn’t mean I can’t imagine my future. I’ve done it before. And though the part of me that doesn’t want to imagine my future won’t recognize that since I’ve imagined my future before and wasn’t confined, it may mean that imagining with certainty isn’t actually confining, that doesn’t mean this part of me is detrimental in me imagining my future.
I’ve spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it would help me imagine a practice that met all my needs. Instead of answers though, I’m now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started. I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty isn’t satisfying in the interim, it’s useful in that it provides complexities for me to answer to when I do imagine my future. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, and opportunities for new perspectives and experiences increase and provide fuel for my imagination, I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer.
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