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Introduction | |
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< | In college I took a class called "Philosophy of Liberation" where, for hours a week, we pontificated about what liberation is, how it may manifest in different ways, and if it is even possible at all. While these conversations were interesting, I was hesitant to dive deep into the class. There we were, philosophizing about the persecution of Black folks and other marginalized groups, and yet our conversation seemed so removed from the everyday realities of these groups. As we went through discussion after discussion, I found it harder to silence the voice at the back of my head saying, "for some people it’s about staying alive and finding a way to put food on some theoretically sense of liberation." Yet, despite my issues with the class, there were two questions that our professor asked us that stuck with me. "Who am I” and “What ought I to do?”
While in undergrad these questions were at the forefront of my mind, since being in law school I've only recently asked myself these questions. It wasn't until Professor Moglen's classes about building a practice, that I even remembered the two questions. I found myself back to the same questions but with seemingly less direction. | >
> | In college I took a class called "Philosophy of Liberation." For hours a week, we pontificated about liberation, how it may manifest itself, and whether it is even possible. As we went through our discussions, however, I found it hard to silence the voice at the back of my head saying, "for some people it's about staying alive and putting food on the table, not some theoretically sense of liberation." Yet, despite my issues with the class, there were two questions we discussed that stuck with me: "Who am I?" and "What ought I to do?"
For most of my post graduate life, I did not think about these questions. However, Professor Moglen's classes about building a practice led me back to the same questions but with seemingly less direction. | | | Who Am I? | |
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< | Perhaps the more abstract of the two, the first question is one that I, like many people, have spent years struggling to answer. In undergrad where I decided that it was not important that I have an answer. I know my various intersecting identities as a Black woman, from a low income and immigrant background play a part in answering that question, but they don't tell the full story. While I was once content with leaving that question open and unanswered, law school has made me want to be fiercely protective of who I am, a task that is difficult to do without a clear sense of self. I am realizing that, to preserve myself, I must first, answer this question (at least in part). | >
> | In undergrad, I decided that the answer to this question was unimportant. I knew I was a Black woman, from a low income and immigrant background. I knew I was stubborn, independent, and loved sports. Knowing these facts meant that I knew at least part of who I was. Although I understood that these facts didn't tell my full story, it was enough for my college self.
My law school self, however, wants more. I am no longer content leaving this question unanswered. The toxic Law school culture made me want to be fiercely protective of who I am. However, I am realizing that, to preserve myself, I must first gain a more complete understanding of who I am. | | | | |
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< | To be clear, that law school wants my various identities. Diversity is trendy and marketable, so it of course wants access to those identities. However, law school wants nothing to do with the realities of those identities. It wants low-income students until it comes time to help us afford the institutions. It wants Black students until we demand resources and "bring race" into our Black letter law classes. It wants disabled students until it is time to give accommodations and make its curriculum accessible. | >
> | Diversity is trendy and marketable, so of course my law school wants access to my various identities. However, law school wants nothing to do with the realities of those identities or who I am as a person. It wants low-income students until it comes time to help us afford the institutions. It wants Black students until we demand resources and "bring race" into our black letter law classes. It wants disabled students until it is time to give accommodations and make its curriculum accessible. | | | | |
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< | It seems that law school is not concerned with who I am, but rather who it can make me become. Can it turn me into a corporate robot, philosophizing academic, or smooth-talking politician? Can I spend the school year with my head in the academic clouds and my summers in my black and navy business clothes? Can I be molded? | >
> | Law school is not concerned with who I am, but rather who it can make me become. Can it turn me into a corporate robot, philosophizing academic, or smooth-talking politician? Can I spend the school year with my head in the academic clouds and my summers in my black and navy business clothes? Can I be molded? | | | | |
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< | After months of playing a game, I did not even know I was playing, when Professor Moglen asked, "well what is it you want," I gave him the typical law school answer. "I want to work in Big Law." He did not accept this and pushed further. "Why?" "To support myself and my family?" We went back and forth until I gave him two words, "peace" and "security." | >
> | After months of playing the law school game, when Professor Moglen asked, "well what is it you want," I gave him the typical law school answer. "I want to work in Big Law." "Why?" he asked. "To support myself and my family?" We went back and forth until I gave him two words, "peace" and "security." | | | | |
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< | Those desires are a manifestation of my sense of self. The low-income self and marginalized self wants security and stability, something that was difficult to by when I was younger. The health nut, wellness aware self, however, prioritizes peace and good health. The question then becomes whether the desires of these two selves can make me pursue coexisting actions. | >
> | My low-income, marginalized self wants security and stability because, as a child, I did not have a lot of that. She is a work horse, persistent, and wants to learn to play the legal game. My health aware self, however, prioritizes peace and good health. She is tired. She likes lazy Sundays, working out, and wine nights. She wants to be a mother, travel the world, and to learn to let go of the anxiety that comes from her low-income upbringing. The question becomes whether the desires of these two selves can coexist. | | | What Ought I to Do? | |
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< | Having somewhat answered the more theoretical of the two questions, I then moved on to the second. What ought I to do, to satisfy my various selves? This is the question that grounds the first in reality. It is the one that does not ignore the need to put food on the table, or the reality of barriers that a person needs to address to achieve their goals. In undergrad I spent a decent amount of time thinking about the second question, but not the first. I am more of a realist, perhaps due to my immigrant background, thus the second question has always appealed more to me than the first. Haitian culture tends to be laced with a sense of pragmatism that has become a foundation for how I process both my responsibility to my different communities and to myself. | >
> | Having answered the more theoretical question, I then moved on to the other. What ought I to do, to satisfy my various selves? This question grounds the first. It does not ignore the need to put food on the table, or the barriers that a person must address to achieve their goals. In undergrad I spent most of my time thinking about the second question, but not the first. Perhaps it is my immigrant background, or the Haitian pragmatism I was raised with, but the second question has always appealed more to me. The realist in me has formed the foundation for how I process my responsibility to myself and to my different communities.
My previous attempts to answer this question were not fruitful because I lacked a clear answer for the first. While I had some understanding of who I am, it is not a question I thought I had the time, nor luxury, of worrying about. Survival came first. This meant thinking about "What ought I to do" and worrying about "Who am I" later.
Now that I have a clearer answer to the first question, the key is to balance the seemingly conflicting desires of my different selves. Security, to me, involves making the most money with the least amount of risk. Therefore, beginning my own practice instead of spending time networking and securing a firm job scares me. One option guarantees me a starting salary of $215,000 while the other, especially given my lack of clients and connections, is a huge risk that might lead to even more debt. The fear of not paying off my loans is another one that is tied to my need for security and is pushing me to pursue Big Law as what I ought to do. My desire for peace, however, is pushing me towards building my own practice. As it stands right now, I am leaning towards my need for security. In a few years, however, when who I am and my desires inevitably evolve, this may change. | | | | |
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< | That being said, my previous attempts to answer this question were not fruitful because I did not have a clear answer for the first. While I believe I had some understanding of who I am, it is not a question that I thought I has the time nor luxury of worrying about. In my mind, survival came first. This meant actively thinking about “What ought I to do” and worrying about the “Who am I” later. | >
> | For my peace, however, I made a list of nonnegotiable as I enter Big Law. For example, there are certain clients I do not want to work for. Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, and certain politicians, to name a few. I know that when I start as an associate, I will not have much choice on who my clients are. However, I hope to mitigate this by researching firm clients and pursuing firms with clients that most align with my values. Second, if I'm going to Big Law and spending my days working, I want to be working in industries that intrigue me like sports or entertainment. Lastly, going to a firm where pro bono and DEI work is billable is a must. All these considerations, I hope, will bring me some sense of peace as I pursue stability and security at the beginning of my career. | | | | |
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< | Now that I have a clear answer to the first, the dilemma I face is having to balance the seemingly conflicting desires of my different selves. Wanting the most security, to me means making the most money with the least amount of risk. that is why the idea of beginning my own practice instead of spending time networking and securing a firm job scares me. One option almost guarantees me a starting salary of $215,000 while the later, especially given my lack of clients and connects, is such a huge risk that might lead to me being in even more debt. The fear of not paying off my loans is another one that is tied to my need for security and is pushing me to pursue Big Law as what I ought to do. My desire for peace, however, is pushing me towards the path involving building my own practice. At some point, something is going to have to give. As it stands right now, I am willing to let it be a little of my need for peace. In a few years, however, when who I am and my desires inevitably evolve, this may change. | | | Conclusion | |
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< | Can there be personal liberation? I still don't know. If it does exist, however, I believe that it cannot happen without (1) a combination of those two questions being answered: (2) a pragmatic approach to the second question, and (3) a balancing act between the ever-evolving answers to these questions. As of now, my prominent self craves peace and security. The dilemma that I have struggled with this semester is the last one. Right now, at least to me, the level of security I want, seems to require giving up some of my peace. The anxiety I felt over this dilemma at the beginning of the semester, however, has lessened significantly. I'm hoping that I figure out how I want to balance out those two desires. Until then, I don't want them to destroy my present peace. | >
> | Does personal liberation exist? I still don't know. If it does, I believe that it cannot happen without (1) a combination of those two questions being answered: (2) a pragmatic approach to the second question, and (3) a balance between the ever-evolving answers to these questions. As of now, my prominent self craves peace and security. This semester, I struggled with the last one. Right now, my need for security requires giving up some of my peace. The anxiety I felt over this at the beginning of the semester, however, lessened significantly. I'm hoping that I figure out how I want to balance those two desires. Until then, I don't want them to destroy my present peace.
| | | -- GueinahBlaise - 27 Apr 2022 |
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