Jennifer, here are my thoughts/impressions so far. This is a fascinating topic, and you make a very interesting argument. I think that your argument would benefit from a few changes:

This is a huge topic, and you might want to narrow it in light of the 1000 word limit. I think that sex offender registries and the civil commitment process present two different questions. The problem with the registries, as far as I can tell, is that they are over-inclusive: teenagers convicted of statutory rape with someone two years their junior get lumped in with serial rapists and pedophiles. This seems to call for a fine tuning of the laws and more differentiation between the types of offenders that get included in the registries. The civil commitment system presents a different issue: it affects far fewer people, and those it does affect are guilty of the most heinous crimes. I agree with you that the concept of dual, consecutive sentences, one criminal and one "civil," seems to fly in the face of justice. Solutions here are on a different order, and I think you have to mention that these laws have been deemed constitutional by the Supreme Court.

You could choose to address just one of these penalties, which would still be a challenge to do in 1000 words. I also think that you could cite to more sources, and to online ones if at all possible. I tried to find the Economist article that you used, but it's only available online if you subscribe to the Economist, which I don't. There are, however, articles that are more widely available that point to roughly the same problems. I also think a source would be useful for the story about the Georgia statute. It seemed that the problem with that law was that if enforced, it would have forced virtually every sex offender in Georgia, nonviolent ones included, out of their homes and out of the state. The politician who endorsed it were unapologetic, and admitted that they intended to encourage sex offenders to leave the state, but it did engender a ton of controversy.

Finally, I wanted to understand better what you feel are the justifications behind punishment in general. I think a strong articulation of your overall theory of punishment would help this essay cohere even more. Should mentally ill sex offenders be locked away for life? Is rehabilitation a possibility? What about the social function of pointing to a certain behavior and saying "that is bad." Also, what would help courts distinguish between the truly dangerous offenders and those who don't pose a future risk? Is a bright line rule possible? Would it work?