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JessicaWirthFirstPaper 9 - 25 Apr 2012 - Main.JessicaWirth
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| | | This if/then construct was a convenient tautology: I cannot prove or disprove that if I were more confident, or stronger, or more self-aware, anything about me or my choices would change. I seek to move beyond it because it is a false understanding of myself that assumes a degree of control that I simply don't have. I am still working on the "how."
Toward an Unconscious Life, Consciously | |
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< | In the course of writing and revising this essay, I never asked myself why I felt compelled to share this personal story with the wiki universe, populated by dear friends but quite a few more acquaintances or names to which I could not put faces. In retrospect, though, I can see that I thought the colored ink would reiterate what I supposed to be true: I was, indeed, being irrational, and I should will myself to behave differently. I expected additional confirmation of my failing. | >
> | In the course of writing and revising this essay, I never asked myself why I felt compelled to share this personal story with the wiki universe, populated by dear friends but quite a few more acquaintances or names to which I could not put faces. In retrospect, though, I can see that I thought the colored ink would reiterate what I supposed to be true: I was, indeed, being irrational, and I should will myself to behave differently. Because expected additional confirmation of my failing, the initial version of this essay was but another form of self-flagellation. | | | Instead, I received empathy. It was equally jarring, and incredibly powerful. Contextualizing my struggle as part of a broader human tendency to discount or ignore the subconscious allowed me to absolve myself of blame: I was not failing, I was simply being. This was a significant recognition for me, and will also be critical to what comes next. I've been reflecting on other areas of human life where people are denigrated for failing to rise above their subconscious desires, like human sexuality, and I've been considering that the concept of control is far more limited than we socially believe it to be; but I still have not turned this reflection inward to interrogate my own subconscious so that I may figure out why I am willing to cede what control I do have to someone who would dictate the lawyer I will be.
This was the charge given to us all in our final class of the semester, and it is for me going to be an ongoing process, an internal conversation that will likely never end. | |
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