The approach to revision appears to have been to interleave sentences from my commentary with your text, using some linkage like "but" or "however." The result isn't an edited draft, it's a confusion.

The theme is fear of being mistreated as a reason for not doing creative work. But if this is the alternative to creative work, isn't it likely also to cause trouble for you? In which professional situation would your response to editing of this kind, which sacrifices substantive coherence to mere literal inclusion of the commentary, yield positive response?

The route to improvement begins in reverting out these changes, which didn't help strengthen the draft. Then the commentary can be considered as addressed to your ideas. You can think about the points at which we differ and decide how, if at all, to modify your own ideas in order to respond to, not adopt by mimicry, someone else's point of view. Perhaps from there the idea of creating without fearing reprisal will have some credibility it still has not acquired for you.