-- MuhammadAbdullah - 19 Feb 2025

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Life drains us of our imagination. When we are young, we dream of becoming innovators who will revolutionize technology, scientists who will create Einstein-like breakthroughs, or men of history who will solve the most pressing conflicts of the world. Or at least I did. I thought I would be a physicist leading humanity’s race to quantum computing, or a mathematician researching groundbreaking theories that the world would only appreciate years later—because, of course, my genius would be ahead of its time. Or maybe I would end the occupation of Kashmir and Palestine as the most shrewd Secretary of State. Today I believe none of those things.

I was hit with my first reality check near the end of highschool through the grueling process of college admissions. I quickly realized I was not good enough for the highest tier of schools and opted myself out by not even applying, except Columbia where I was promptly rejected. As I began to more concretely think about my future, I had already begun to dream less and be more rational. I realized there was little chance I was going to be Secretary of State, and if not that then an international relations degree would not be useful for much else.

But this was not the end, the light in me was still alive. I still believed I could be a physicist or a math researcher. That’s when the second reality check hit: I am not as smart as I think. I remember taking only Physics II and Complex Variables with Applications. Kids around me, especially in Complex Variables, would follow the professor and zoom through problems while I would sit there staring at the proof for minutes before understanding. Another one of my dreams died; I stopped believing I was intelligent enough to study physics or math.

The realization that came after this was the biggest wake up call and really changed how I viewed life. I remember prematurely believing that at the very least I would work at a big tech company like Google or Twitter. But once I began applying for internships and learned of the monster that is leetcode, I realized how much trouble I was in. By the end of recruitment season, forget dreaming I was having nightmares. I started thinking I was unemployable and would never get a job. I remember waking up with my heart racing at 5 am and grabbing my phone to apply to every job I saw on handshake. All my dreams were dead, and all I wanted was a job, ANY job. Thankfully, I ultimately got one at a great company, and I am grateful for it but those were some of the lowest months of my life. Now officially my imagination had died and I had been reduced to grinding at a corporate job like many people before me.

Unbeknownst to me, I still had a little spark left which pushed me to apply for law school. When I was accepted last year, it ignited the imagination in me once again. But overtime rationality has started to take over, just like last time. What was supposed to be me getting out of a corporate job to make a difference is turning into me grinding for another, much worse, corporate job — except this time I’ll be paid more. Law has given me the opportunity to make my childhood dreams of service to humanity a reality, but now I dream much smaller, more personal. I want my parents to travel and fly business class, I want my wife to drive whatever car she wants, and buy whatever bags she likes. I want my kids in private schools to learn from the best. As for myself, all I need is good food and club memberships. But I used to want much bigger things, I wanted to make a difference for the Muslim ummah and humans at large. Maybe I’m too rational for it now, or selfish. Maybe it's not life that made me stop dreaming but my own self interest. It's ironic that this could be life’s last reality check: It’s not about external factors, but me. I am too selfish to make a sacrifice for a bigger cause.

As I look into the future, I hope to correct that and take affirmative action to push myself in the direction I once dreamt my life would take. I believe I am at law school when we are at a turning point in history. With the current administration pushing the country to the far right, we are involved in a battle for the soul of America and if we lose this battle, our country will fall and forces of facism will make us subject to a hate-filled oligarchy that will suck everything out of the people to enrich itself and maintain control. I have seen this sort of control by the elites in Pakistan and it angered me even as a child when I lived there. Vulnerable groups and minorities including women, ahmadis and shias would be scapegoated and lynched for systemic problems just as immigrants and transexuals are being blamed over here now, all the while the elites grow more powerful and rich.

Making this change will require me to be brave, and rise above myself. I have always claimed Muhammad Ali as a role model, right now is the time for me to act like him. He gave up his boxing career at its peak but refused to compromise on his principles and fight in Vietnam, and if I have learned anything in Law and Contemporary Society, I will not face nearly the same consequences if I were to begin standing against any repression I see beginning now.