JonBenét Ramsey Murder

This draft is a reasonably accurate capsule summary of some of the material about an old murder. The way to improve the draft is to use the factual material to say something of your own, of which there is nothing in this draft. You could reduce your summary by using the references as actual links in the text, so that the reader could get the facts you need for whatever you're going to say out of your text, and drill down as far as they want by following your links. But the point of the essay, what idea the case generated for you and how the reader might think about that idea would be the real topic of the next draft.