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-- AdamMcclay - 08 Dec 2008 |
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< | Building from the suggestion in class of thinking about every point in our lives where some electronic record is made of our activities, I decided to do just that. For one week, I kept a log of every time I was (knowingly) on camera, every term I typed into Facebook, Google, Amazon, or any other commercial site, every transaction made with my debit card, and any other electronic tracking. As it turns out, I was not the only one keeping such records. The following memorandum was intercepted by my staff. |
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> | Building from the suggestion in class of thinking about every point in our lives where some electronic record is made of our activities, I decided to do just that. For one week, I kept a log of every time I was (knowingly) on camera, every term I typed into any commercial site, every transaction made with my debit card, and any other electronic tracking. As it turns out, I was not the only one keeping such records. The following memorandum was intercepted. |
| | To: Central Command, Sinister Overlord Syndicate
From: Information Synthesis Bureau, Sinister Overlord Syndicate |
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< | Re: Information gathered on eyeball "Adam" for week of Sunday, November 30 through Saturday, December 6 |
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> | Re: Information gathered on Eyeball "Adam" for week of Sunday, November 30 through Saturday, December 6 |
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< | This report summarizes what the Bureau has learned of the activities of the eyeball designated "Adam". This report also sets forth early proposals for strategies for capitalizing on the information contained herein. |
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> | This report summarizes what the Bureau has learned of the activities of the Eyeball designated "Adam". This report also sets forth strategies to capitalize on the information contained herein. |
| | I. What Have We Learned About "Adam"?
COMMERCIAL |
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< | In addition to several purchases of groceries, "Adam" exhibits tendencies to spend disposable income primarily, but not exclusively, in the pursuit of two media: books and music. It was recorded browsing through Amazon.com on two occasions. Its search terms included "Twilight" and "Blindness," leading to it examine novels in the wildly popular Twilight series in the first instance, and several of Jose Saramago's novels in the second instance. In neither instance did it make a purchase. We are unsure how best to synthesize these browsings. One possibility is that "Adam" is attracted by novels that have recently become feature films. Another possibility is that it wishes to familiarize itself with both ends of the quality spectrum in contemporary literature. |
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> | "Adam" spends disposable income primarily, but not exclusively, in the pursuit of two media: books and music. It was recorded browsing through Amazon.com on two occasions. Its search terms included "Twilight" and "Blindness," leading to it examine novels in the Twilight series in the first instance, and several of Jose Saramago's novels in the second instance. In neither instance did it make a purchase. We are unsure how best to synthesize these browsings. One possibility is that "Adam" is attracted by novels that have recently become feature films. Another possibility is that it wishes to familiarize itself with both ends of the quality spectrum in contemporary literature. |
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< | In addition to browsing Amazon.com, "Adam" pursued both literary and musical interests on several occasions by typing terms into Google. These terms included "Eminem Superman lyrics," "All Those Years Ago lyrics," and "Try to Remember lyrics". Again, its taste is difficult to discern from these facts. In our experience, it is rare to find an enthusiast of hip hop, and adult rock, and show tunes. The Bureau posits that "Adam" was researching these lyrics for reasons other than commercial ones. We will continue monitoring its activities and will report further. |
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> | In addition to browsing Amazon.com, "Adam" pursued both literary and musical interests by searching in Google. The searched terms included "Eminem Superman lyrics," "All Those Years Ago lyrics," and "Try to Remember lyrics". Again, its taste is difficult to discern from these facts. In our experience, it is rare to find an individual who is an enthusiast of hip hop, adult rock, and show tunes. |
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< | Others of "Adam"'s cultural activities are more straightforward, as, for instance, when it ran a number of searches in iTunes; although, once again, it made no purchases. Here, however, a clean synthesis can be made of its intentions. It searched for Nick Lowe, Brinsley Schwartz, and (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding. These searches manifest an interest in alternative classic rock that can be easily exploited. |
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> | "Adam"'s other cultural activities are more straightforward, as when it ran a number of searches in iTunes, again without a purchase. Here, a synthesis can be made of its intentions. It searched for Nick Lowe, Brinsley Schwartz, and (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding. These searches manifest an interest in alternative classic rock that can be easily exploited. |
| | Finally, "Adam" browsed expensive money clips on the Tiffany's website. Although we hesitate to infer a trend from one instance, we feel confident that "Adam" will be susceptible to sales efforts involving extravagant personal accessories.
INTERPERSONAL |
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< | "Adam" was recorded interacting in person with many individuals of both sexes, almost all roughly in their mid twenties. However, its activities on Facebook indicate a preference for females of a similar age. In addition, "Adam" was recorded conversing on Gchat with members of its nuclear family. |
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> | "Adam" was recorded interacting in person with many individuals of both sexes, almost all roughly in their mid twenties. However, its activities on Facebook indicate a preference for attractive twentysomething brunette females ("ATBF"). |
| | GEOGRAPHIC |
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< | "Adam"'s physical movements are mostly within a close area in the vicinity of Columbia University. It travels a great deal on a direct route between Jerome Greene Hall and 629 West 115th Street, with frequent dalliances in Avery Hall, Lerner Hall, and the School of International and Public Affairs. It has also been recorded entering establishments in the area known for serving alcoholic beverages. |
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> | "Adam"'s movements are mostly within a close area in the vicinity of Columbia University. It travels a great deal on a direct route between Jerome Greene Hall and 629 West 115th Street, with frequent dalliances in Dodge Fitness Center and the School of International and Public Affairs. It has also been recorded many times entering area establishments known for serving alcoholic beverages. |
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< | On two occasions during the week "Adam" ventured outside the Morningside Heights area. On the first such occasion, it was recorded in the 50th Street Station of the 1 train, and then later entering the subterranean concourse of Rockefeller Center. On the second occasion, it was recorded in the Bedford Avenue Station of the L train, and later entering a converted warehouse space known for serving alcoholic beverages. Notably, during the latter occasion, it was seen to smoke a Djarum Black brand clove cigarette. These two occasions are too infrequent and varied to constitute a trend; therefore, the Bureau's recommendation is to consider "Adam" localized to Morningside Heights. |
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> | On two occasions during the week "Adam" ventured outside Morningside Heights. On the first occasion, it was recorded in the 50th Street Station of the 1 train, and then later entering the subterranean concourse of Rockefeller Center. On the second occasion, it was recorded in the Bedford Avenue Station of the L train, and later entering a converted warehouse space known for serving alcoholic beverages. During the latter occasion, it was seen to smoke a clove cigarette. These two occasions are too infrequent and disparate to constitute a trend; therefore, the Bureau's recommendation is to consider "Adam" localized to Morningside Heights. |
| | TERRORISM CONCERNS |
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< | Notwithstanding the Bureau's recommendation not to consider "Adam"'s excursions outside Morningside Heights a trend, the Bureau does consider that "Adam"'s unexplained visit to Rockefeller Center, when considered with other evidence, constitutes a cause for a terror alert. This other evidence, heretofore unseen by anyone at this Bureau, was obtained late one night when "Adam" was recorded entering the following search terms into Google: "solar eclipse Portrait of a Lady"; "solar eclipse Two Years Before the Mast"; "solar eclipse The Road"; "solar eclipse House of God". The Bureau considers these searches evidence of a credible threat that "Adam" is engaged in research into the effects of solar eclipses on fictional characters; and, further, that this research could lead to "Adam"'s developing a working solar eclipse simulator, which could be deployed in Rockefeller Center. |
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> | The Bureau considers that "Adam"'s unexplained visit to Rockefeller Center, when considered with other evidence, constitutes a cause for a terror alert. The corroborative evidence was obtained when "Adam" was recorded entering the following search terms into Google: "Abu Gharib" [sic]; "solar eclipse Portrait of a Lady"; "solar eclipse Two Years Before the Mast"; "solar eclipse The Road"; "solar eclipse House of God". The Bureau considers these searches evidence of a credible threat that "Adam" is engaged in research into the effects of solar eclipses on fictional characters; that it is engaged in this research for the purpose of learning torture principles; and that this research could lead to its developing a working solar eclipse simulator, which could be deployed in Rockefeller Center. |
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< | Pending approval from Central Command, the Bureau will forward this important terror alert to the Department of Homeland Security. |
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> | Upon approval from Central Command, the Bureau will forward this important terror alert to the Department of Homeland Security. |
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II. What Can We Do With "Adam"? |
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> | As a primary offense, the Bureau recommends a concentrated bombardment of "Adam"'s Gmail account, focusing on movie tie-in editions of great novels, movie tie-in editions of terrible novels, and any new music released by an artist who has been recording for at least twenty-five years. In addition, manufacturers of fine timepieces and other accessories would be advised to advertise in the margins of "Adam"'s Facebook account. For maximum efficacy, the advertisements should feature ATBFs.
The Bureau also advises that "Adam" may be exploited at establishments that alcoholic beverages. To this end, a single ATBF should be stationed at each of the two such establishments in Morningside Heights which "Adam" was recorded patronizing. These ATBFs could be made more appealing to it by outfitting them in clothing that proclaims their affinity for the movie tie-in edition of a great novel, the movie tie-in edition of a terrible novel, or any musical artist whose career began before 1983. Thus outfitted, it is the Bureau's prediction that an ATBF could sell almost anything to "Adam", but our recommendation is that they offer him clove cigarettes and solicit his membership in any of a number of organizations that require deceptively large financial commitments.
Finally, ATBF's might intercept "Adam" as it walks between Jerome Greene Hall and 629 West 115th Street at any time, outfitted as described above, with similar goals though most likely with less success. |
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