Fear

Intro

"Bzzzzzzzzz", a nat buzzed around the slightly wilted flowers set on the table with a self aware effort to decorate. The table cloth was paper and the edges were cut out like snow flakes a second grader made with ernest hands, tremoring with the excitement of winter.

In what sense is this an introduction?

Fear of death

Winter, a season where all things die, death is natural, death is inevitable, death is terrifying and it consumes my thoughts. what happens next? where do we go? is this just it? If this is it then what am i doing, what is my life because life is the natural coupling of death, I can't think about death without thinking about life. how to live, do I live in fear of what's to come next after death or with exuberance because I know nothing is coming. This is it.

Insights from a stranger

He stood there in his navy blue well tailored pin stripe suit, White pocket square to match his shirt and a navy tie with some type of smart pattern on it.

"I just won my case today"

"Oh good for you," I mumbled, wondering what this stranger's motives were, still thinking about death.

" You know, you can't trust some women. But the judge saw that, do you believe she knew where all my stuff was, she knew about how much my apartment is worth, my cls 63 even my watches, who knows that but a gold digger... now listen i'm not going to bother you but i just felt happy about this case and when i feel happy i like to talk to people"

I noticed his abandoned table, one place setting, one glass of emptied brown alcohol.

"Did you know man was only born with two fears.... fear of falling and fear of sound, its cuz when we were first in this world it was always dark, so we had heightened hearing so sound told us if there was danger or not, and falling, well falling is falling... anyways, my point is that all of our other fears are learned. Fear only holds you back from living and makes you weak, I could go up to a tiger, if a tiger were right there, I could go up to a tiger and look him in the eyes and pet him and if i show no fear, he'd let me, but the minute I show fear he'd bite my fucking leg off. ... One time this asshole put a gun to my head, you see i had to put his brother in his place back in the day, right up there on lenox ... anyway his brother ran to this giant, real big guy, and he came to settle stuff and he comes and he puts a gun to my head and instead of shaking and crying you know what i did? ...I said well Tyron, I guess you're just gonna have to shoot me because your brother was an asswhole who got what he deserved, and fo you know what this galiath did?! he didn't shoot me that's what, but you better believe if I let him see my fear that would have been it."

My background

I grew up in a religious family, catholic. Catholics believe that you can buy and fake your way into heaven. They'll never tell you that but that's what it is. Endless rituals, offerings and confessions. "Pardon me father for I have sinned, its been 5 years since my last confession, I've lied to my parents, faught with my siblings and (have questioned the very foundation of everything that you teach)". I never dare to say the last part of that out loud because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of death and I'm afraid to live.

My grandfather died in november, 5 days before Thanksgiving. He believed in me more than i did in myself. When I told him I wanted to go to Harvard law, he told me I could do it and he didn't just tell me that to encourage me, he told me like it was true. like he was saying the sky is blue and the grass is green, like it was a fact. I didn't believe it though, so I'm at Columbia. That's my problem, my lack of self confidence coupled with my constant hunger for more. Its a crippling cycle where I want more but am too afraid to go for it. Its much akin to looking at a freshly baked pie on a counter right in front of me and i want to take a slice but I can't. Nothing is holding me back from the pie but myself, my fear.

Fearless lawyer

I want to be a lawyer without fear. I don't want to be held back by fear. What is it to be a lawyer not held back by fear? Does it mean that you can beat your own path, that you're not afraid to control your own destiny. That you;re not afraid to be out on your own. I'm not sure. I know that I want to be a lawyer that can reach out and take power and not have an inferiority complex about it. I want to make a difference, I want to leave my mark on this world, so that when I die I know that people will tell stories about me, that i will get my moment in history. That's what I want. I want my sentence, paragraph, chapter in a history book. How do i do that as a lawyer, our jobs are to serve others. How do I serve others and yet serve myself?

-- By ChristinaObiajulu - 26 Feb 2013

This is a good start, because now that you've written the prologue, you can write the essay it precedes. The question to which it brought you is now the question you need to answer. "How" questions have real answers. It's time to start answering yours.

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